birt - bovine international relations theory

Economic Models explained with cows (sort of)...

THE SOCIALIST MODEL: You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbour.

THE COMMUNIST MODEL: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.

THE FASCIST MODEL: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.

THE NATIONAL SOCIALIST MODEL: You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.

THE BUREAUCRATIC MODEL: You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the other and throws the milk away.

THE CAPITALIST MODEL: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

THE AMERICAN CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow dropped dead.

THE JAPANESE CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market it Worldwide.

THE GERMAN CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

THE ITALIAN CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

THE RUSSIAN CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

THE SWISS CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

THE FRENCH CORPORATE INSITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

THE CHINESE CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

THE INDIAN CORPORATE INBSTTIUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. You worship them.

THE BRITISH CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have two cows. Both are mad.

THE IRAQI CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you and they bomb you. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

THE SURREALIST MODEL: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

THE CAPITALIST MODEL (HONG KONG VARIANT): You have 2 cows. You sell 3 of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all 4 cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping 5 cows. The milk rights of 6 cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all 7 cows' milk back to the listed company and proceeds from the sale are deferred. The annual report says that the company owns 8 cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the 2 cows because the feng shui is bad.

THE AUSTRALIAN CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have 2 cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go down the pub to celebrate.

THE NEW ZEALAND CORPORATE INSTITUTIONAL MODEL: You have 2 cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.